Monday, July 19, 2010

I have parental guilt or is it a midlife crisis?

Where has the time gone? Remember when you were little and time seemed to drag on. As an adult I'm amazed at how time flies by, especially since there are kids in my life.

I was recently browsing through some blogs and felt twangs of guilt because of so many things I've never done or missed opportunities with the kids. The blogs are by what I call super moms, because I really don't know how they do all they say they do. These are women who cook, sew, paint, scrapbook, and take amazing pictures to document it all. "They're only little once! Make the most of it." And it looks like they are succeeding.

Talk about beating myself up...does anyone else do this to themselves? I'm not inspired to be so creative anymore. I used to have all these grand ideas of things I wanted to make and do. Now, a sick feeling comes over me because of all the things I wanted to do for my family that never happened and of course it often hits me in the evening so there goes the sleep. I recently was at the throes of dreamland when I realized that I haven't used our video camera in quite some time. The waves of guilt crashed in and I was wide awake for a few hours, until about 2:40 am, give or take a few minutes. I literally had a stomach ache for a while.

Do my kids feel loved? I'm pretty sure they do. Actually, I know they do. I can try harder to do more stuff for them. But I think maybe that doing stuff with them is at least as important, if not more so than doing stuff for them. What will they remember? What will they take with them into adulthood, or when they become parents?

I will try and relax about this. What good does worrying about what I didn't do do? I think it's good to be aware of opportunities to be with my kids and do what I can to make the most of our time together. It's true that they are growing up so fast. I heard it frequently when the kids were in diapers but it didn't register. But it is so true.
I'm proud of these kids. This is from our recent trip back to the midwest. The boys were a little surprised at how the farm looked but went right to playing and exploring. There hasn't been anyone there for 3 years now. This picture was taken in front of the old chicken house. The first one above is from 2004. Our family spent many summers there when the boys were little. This is the farm where my husband grew up, helping with the cattle, or in the garden or with the chickens. It was good to go back. This is the old Ford that is still on the farm. Someday, it may run again. I'll try not to worry about it though.